Last Confession
by real-circus
Summary: A 13 year-old Genjo Sanzo makes his last confession to the only person on earth whom he'd ever considered a friend....


Last Confession

Blood, fresh and thick, stained my hands, face and robes, destroying the purity within. It must have been his, but it didn't matter. Blood was just that—blood. My knees went weak from the experience and they gave way, but I never felt the pain of the fall. I stayed like that for a long, long time. 

Tears involuntarily caressed my cheek as my eyes laid upon the lifeless body of the one whom I gave all my love to, and the one who gave all love to me. He was gone. I stupidly kept assuring myself it was just a dream. I'll just wake up in Komyo Sanzo's arms, safe and sound, and he'll still be in one piece. I'll wake up, feeling the breath of morning upon my face, not having to worry about danger and death. I forced myself to be free of the gap that was slowly opening in my mind, giving way to insanity. 

But I kept sane. God knows how I managed to pull through that. 

I tried to remain strong for myself, and for my master. He wouldn't have liked it if I was this vulnerable. But alas, I couldn't, and my eyes gave way to more tears. That was perhaps the longest time I've ever remembered crying in my life. The feeling felt so relieving, yet so forbidding at the same time. Perhaps it was just me. I hated crying. Thank goodness no one was here to witness it. 

I must have really gone insane when I crept over to my master's unmoving back, tugging at his sleeve like I had done years ago, hoping he was alive. I guess it was out of love, whatever that was. It must have been out of love when I bent over to kiss him, and when I grasped his shoulder tightly. 

Love. What is that anyway? Well, it was cruel. Because of it, I'm a wreck. My love for Komyo Sensei caused me this pain and this sense of despair. Love made me mad. It made me want revenge. It made me want to ignore it for the rest of my life and never seek it again. I live for myself and myself alone. I want no _love_. The more you love the more you'll get hurt in the end.

But…just for one last time, one final moment, let me love before I lose it forever…I want to feel it throbbing in my heart once more before I conceal it from the world. Let the love be shown on my face once more before I mask it with a cold exterior…I just wanted to change…and it wasn't hard to. 

~*~*~

I wished for it to all pass me by like some unwanted nightmare, but hell, it didn't. It lingered onto my old self like an unforgiving spirit. I keep hearing someone say that I couldn't protect him, and that his death had to do with my ignorance. And the voice wasn't Komyo Sensei's. It was Koryu's. I blamed myself for his death. He had tried to protect me, succeeding and failing at the same time. I didn't deserve it. I knew that Komyo Sanzo loved me, but never did I imagine he'd love me to such an extent that even death wasn't a barrier. 

I shifted uncomfortably in my own room, recalling the blood and the body. I regretted not telling him how much I loved him. I would've given anything for at least one last minute with my master to tell him that. But all is lost. It would've been so much better if they killed me first, so that I didn't have to see my beloved master get slaughtered right in front of me, and we'd still be together in heaven.  

I was used to being lonely, especially when the Sanzo was away, but this emptiness felt different. It actually _hurt_. Of course, no one could see it. To them, I was still that cold, icy little brat who kept by Komyo Sanzo's side like a shadow and swept the temple grounds. No, I never wanted to do that again. Sweeping was for the lowly monks. I am Genjo Sanzo now. I didn't need that kind of work to keep myself occupied. 

I must have been dreaming when my feet carried me to Shuuei's room, and a shaking hand reached out to knock the door. I was lonely, not desperate. And I hoped Shuuei could understand that. He had been the only person I would've considered a friend. My face bowed to the floor the moment I heard the shuffling of feet. 

When I looked up again, Shuuei was there, staring down at me with tender eyes. No words were exchanged between us, but our silence was understood. He patted my head gently, and a single tear slid down my cheek, unnoticed because of the dark. Komyo Sanzo used to do that too, when he was alive, and I knew Shuuei just wanted me to be happy again. I forced a little smile just for his satisfaction, unable to resist the urge to hug at his waist. It was to feel loved again. To feel the same warmth my late master had given me. But—no one could replace him. No one could fill that empty gash in my heart which was once occupied by Sanzo-sama. No one. 

"Koryu…" Shuuei closed the door shut, with me still clinging onto him like some kind of…lost child…which was exactly what I was. Only he could call me by my old name. If it were someone else I would've brushed them off with a 'I'm Genjo Sanzo' and be off. It was different when Shuuei said it. Very different. 

"Koryu, this wasn't your fault." 

I held back my tears, but it was far too late. He'd felt my shivering at his waist and tried to comfort me. 

"Shuuei…I'll miss you," I said, covering up my sobs with an unwavering tone. 

I could feel that he didn't understand what I was trying to say. But it was better this way. Better for the both of us. And yes, I would miss him. Those things that came out of my lips were true. That was my last confession to anyone. 

And somehow, someday, I knew that I'd meet him again. When that day comes, I hope he'd understand why I'd 'run away' from the monastery with my mentor's sutra and title, seeking a new destiny for myself and escaping my treacherous past…because he was the only living person who could. 

~End~


End file.
